Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
