she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just forgot I was standing up.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
