hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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