dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
