he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wish my penis had a tongue
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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