Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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