4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
