when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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