Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
