The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Panties = found
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