Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
