he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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