FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
