i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
