If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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