I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
