Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
