its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
