I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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