Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize