I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize