i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
