and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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