you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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