i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
she peed on how many people?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Are we still banned from the library?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
