saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
