Please, let me fuck your mom
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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