what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
