genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
