so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
