then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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