I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
