A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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