i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
