There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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