You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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