There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
