My first STD was from a foam party
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
