2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
