I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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