Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize