Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize