Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
