found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
