3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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