How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
