After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
