i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
