DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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