The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
