you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
