I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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