I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
