Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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