During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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