He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
