Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
