Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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