I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
