i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
