Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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