The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
